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October 22, 2012

Mastering Midterms

It’s that time of the year, y’all. It’s that wonderful time smack dab in the middle of the semester, and you know what that means: midterms. I know they can seem

daunting and terrifying, but don’t worry, I’m an experienced college student, and I’m here to give you the tools you need to succeed. Follow these simple steps, and you’ll survive midterms like a pro.

1. Wait until the night before the test

If the test isn’t until Monday, don’t start studying a week ahead of time, or four days before, or any of that junk. You’re wasting your time and you’re going to forget everything, guaranteed.Put off studying for your midterms until the night before, the last possible second¬†before your test. That’s what all the hip kids are doing these days, anyway. Get with the program, folks. You’re in college, you have more important things to do than study for those pesky midterms.

2. Caffeine, the only legal psychoactive drug in America

Before you sit down at 11:00 PM the night before your final, you need to ask yourself an important question: How much caffeine is in your system? Before you even

Buy about five of these and drink them in one night. Success is headed your way!

consider an answer, I’ll go ahead and tell you that the correct answer is NOT ENOUGH. Caffeine is latin for “miracle brain juice”, so bottoms up.

3. Take a lot of breaks

Face it: You’re working hard, and you deserve a break. The life of a college student is a hard one, and midterms are very stressful. So every five minutes or so, give yourself a 20 minute Facebook break. Maybe throw in an episode of Breaking Bad or Game of Thrones.

4. Motivate yourself with music

At one point in the night, you’re going to feel down in the dumps, and you’re definitely going to need a pick me up. Avoid a mid-morning slump with a super special pump-up playlist. Feel free to model yours after mine.

In the Navy – The Village People

Boysboysboys – Lady Gaga

First of the Year – SKRILLEX

Minas Morgul (from the Lord of the Rings, the Return of the King) – Howard Shore

Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It) РBeyoncé

All I do is Win – DJ Khaled (for maximum effect, repeat this eight or nine times)

The louder you play your music, the more productive you’ll feel. Go bananas.


You’ll already be up late, and going to sleep is just going to make you forget everything that you crammed into your brain, so it isn’t even worth it. Got a few hours to kill? Watch more Breaking Bad, obviously.

6. Skip breakfast

You’re a champion, you don’t need breakfast. Eating a meal before you take a big midterm is just going to slow everything down, because your brain is going to be too busy trying to process all those eggs and pancakes you ate, rather than fancy math formulas or poetry writers. So go ahead and skip that junk. Besides, that gi

This is the face of a prepared, hardworking college student who is ready to vanquish midterms

ves you even more time to jam any last minute information into your cranium

7. Cry

When in doubt, let it all out. Let your tears flow. If you studied all night, and the things you studied aren’t on the test, then that’s just plain unfair. You worked hard, and your professor is obviously trying to make you fail because he hates you. Make sure some of your tears fall on to the paper, so when you turn in a tear-stained

answer sheet, he’ll know just how much you care.

And with that, you’re done! Midterms conquered! Now you go have an ice cream cone, because you deserved it. And if you get an F because you crammed all the wrong information into your head at the last possible moment, then no one can criticize you because you tried.



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